Are you thinking that you shouldn’t have to affair-proof your marriage? Your partner should know better, right? If your partner has an affair, there’s something wrong with your partner and not with you!

That’s true.

But it doesn’t make finding out about an affair any less devastating. It doesn’t make it any easier to make that next decision: should we stay together or not? It doesn’t take away the pain, the hurt, and the anger.

More important, affairs happen, a lot more often than most people think. I know because I hear about them and I see them in progress. Married men quite often proposition me when I’m out with my friends. They feed me a load of crap like, “My wife doesn’t mind that I do this. She won’t have sex with me. Woe is me. I need an outlet.” Ladies: take comfort. I usually respond to such talk with this: “Well I completely understand why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.”

Note: Someone accused me of being a man hater in the comments after I wrote this post. I actually like men, but I don’t like when they think I’m dumb enough to fall for something like that. It’s an insult to my intelligence, which is why I use the insulting come back. I also really dislike using the he/she construction, which is why I often pick one or the other. So, for the rest of this blog, know that: men and women both cheat. Sometimes they have compelling reasons to do so.

Through this blog, I also hear from men and women who are contemplating an affair, who are in the middle of an affair, or who are feeling guilty about an affair.

Their spouses have no idea.

I also have heard from many people who are floored when their spouses walk out of the marriage, usually to start up a relationship with someone else. They never saw it coming and often say things like, “I don’t know why she left me. I gave her everything. I was the perfect spouse.”

Here’s the thing about affairs: they are easy. That’s why they happen. Getting a divorce? Not easy. Repairing your marriage and getting what you need from your spouse? Definitely not easy. Having a fling with someone who offers you the few things your spouse does not? Much easier.

That’s why you need to affair proof. You cannot take your marriage for granted. Here are 5 ways to do it:

1.    Have sex regularly. I often hear women say things like, “I get back at my husband by withholding sex” or “We stopped having sex a long time ago. It’s not important to us.” Here’s the thing: it might be very  important to him. If that’s the case and he’s not getting it from you, he’ll be more tempted to find another way to get it. And he’s going to feel justified about it, because you were the one who shut him out. The more often you have sex with each other, the less often either one of you will be tempted to have sex with someone else. Exhaust your sex drive at home.

2.   Never stop flirting. Part of the lure of the affair is the “I like you” and “I like you right back” validation. After many years of marriage—once we’ve gotten set in our ways—we forget to validate our partners and then the excitement and lust drains out of the relationship. Try to compliment your spouse everyday. Tell her that her butt looks great in her jeans. Mention something about how flat his stomach is looking lately. Eat each other up.

3.    Never stop dating. In the beginning, you probably planned fun things to do together. You saw movies. You went on weekend trips. You went on hikes. Then you had kids. Now your idea of a date is watching TV once the kids are in bed. Bring romance back into your marriage. Go on vacations without the kids. Bring back activities that you both love, but have stopped doing together. Find new ways to connect.

4.    Emotionally stimulate her. I’m going to go on one of my sexist benders here. Go ahead and complain about it in the comments area. Here goes. Men tend to have sexual affairs. Women tend to have emotional ones that happen to also be sexual. In other words, men tend to stray in order to get laid. Women tend to stray in order to have someone to talk to, someone who understands them. This is why a woman’s affair tends to end a marriage. She usually falls in love with the object of her emotional affair. Men: this is why you just can’t ignore your wife’s need for conversation and emotional stimulation. Yes, she needs a life outside of marriage. Yes, she needs emotionally stimulating friends. And yes, she needs you to talk and listen every once in a while. If you don’t, she might eventually meet someone else who fills that need.

5.   Continually work on your marriage. Once every so often rate your marriage on a scale of 1 (I wish you were dead) to 10 (I am thrilled to have you in my life). Talk about ways to get your marriage closer to 10. The happier you are together, the more invested you will be in your marriage and the less likely either one of you will be to stray.

Do you think it’s important to affair-proof your marriage? Do you have additional affair-proofing strategies to suggest? Leave a comment.

Q: I recently got married to a guy who should have been perfect for me. The problem is that he doesn’t communicate at all. I feel sad and alone most of the time, and I never know what he’s thinking. How do I get him to open up? — Lonely and ignored

Dear Lonely and Ignored:

Welcome to my world! My husband is the strong and silent type, too. Your answer lies in a combination of acceptance and gentle prodding.

It’s important to understand that he may never become a talker. Some people are talkers, and some aren’t. Me expecting my husband to morph into a conversationalist is like him expecting me to suddenly develop an interest in car racing. Just ain’t going to happen.

That said, you do not have to continue to suffer in silence. Use this advice.

Ask him to listen. Explain that you don’t need him to chatter back at you, respond, or fix your problems. You just want him to listen with rapt attention. This will take the pressure off him to talk. If you want him to do certain things as he listens, tell him. Perhaps you want him to make eye contact, hold your hand, nod every once in a while, and so on. I know it sounds silly, but these are things that women and some men do automatically. Strong and silent types? They need an instruction manual.

Make a list of topics that you absolutely need him to communicate. For instance, you may want all financial purchases to be made jointly. You may want some parenting decisions to be made together (what time should Johnny’s curfew be?) and some not (whether or not it’s a good time to play catch in the backyard). Again, the ability to know the difference between Must-Talk-About-Now Topics and Better-Left-Unsaid comes naturally to some, and not so naturally to others. Teach him how to know the difference.

Let him talk when he’s ready. If you need to discuss something that will probably make him uncomfortable and shut down, bring it up calmly and ask, “When would be a good time to talk about this?” This allows him time to think things over, prepare a response, and calm down from the stress of being confronted.

Talk while you are doing something else. Do it while walking, while sitting in the car, or over dinner. This reduces tension, which may allow him to more easily open up.

When he does talk, reward him. This is important, especially if he is finally opening up for the first time. Hug him. Say thank you. Take him to the bedroom.

Talk about your loneliness. Explain that you want to feel close to him and you worry that you might turn to someone else for this closeness if you don’t get it from him. Ask him to help you affair-proof your marriage.

Don’t ask him what he’s thinking or feeling. You’re just wasting your creative energy on that one. The answer to, “What are you thinking?” is probably, “Nothing.” The answer to “What are you feeling?” is probably “I have no clue.” Instead, ask him very specific questions that cannot be answered with a yes or a no, questions such as:

• Why do you root for the Mets?

• Tell me about the most interesting thing that happened to you today.

• If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?

• If you could live anywhere, where would you want to live?

Find an outlet for your need for conversation. It will never be him. Find a group of girlfriends who love to chat. Get involved in online discussion groups. Sit at the local coffee shop, diner or some other hangout spot for a few minutes everyday and chat with strangers.

Do you have advice for Lonely and Ignored? Share it in the comments area!

1.    When your spouse comes to you with a problem, you downplay it, saying, “Things will get better in time,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

2.    When something bothers you, you don’t tell your spouse because your spouse should know not to act this way without you saying anything!

3.    Your relationship with your children is more important than your relationship with your spouse.

4.    You refuse to compromise. It’s your way or the divorce court.

5.    You belittle your spouse because it makes you feel better about yourself.

6.    You constantly brush off your spouse’s sexual advances because you are “not in the mood.” You do not look into ways to get yourself in the mood. Thus, you can’t remember the last time you had sex.

7.    You treat your mother-in-law like vermin, even though you know this bothers your spouse.

8.    You let yourself go. You no longer take steps to make yourself sexy and desirable for your spouse. Sometimes, you don’t even brush your teeth or bother to make sure you don’t have B.O.

9.    You cook your spouse’s least favorite foods on purpose.

10.    You flirt with the opposite sex, even though you know it bothers your spouse.

11.    You refuse to give your husband the “atta boy” for doing mundane things like emptying the dishwasher simply because he never gives you an “atta girl” for doing the same thing.

12.    You never tell your wife that she’s sexy, beautiful or hot, simply because she never thanks you for emptying the dishwasher.

13.    You only hug your wife or grab her rear when you want to get busy. You never do it just to make her feel good.

14.    When your spouse says, “We need to talk,” you reach for the remote control.

15.    You stopped dating your spouse the day you got married or the day your first child was born.

16.    Your idea of the perfect vacation is one you take with the kids. You would never hear of going away somewhere just with your spouse, even though you have many viable baby-sitting options.

17.    You never notice when your spouse has a new haircut because you rarely look at your spouse.

18.    You don’t try to understand your spouse’s hobbies and passions.

19.    You refuse to give your spouse space, because space makes you feel vulnerable.

20.    You don’t take turns reaching each other’s dreams. You think your spouse is there to support you and not the other way around.

21.    You stopped getting to know your spouse years ago. In fact, you just read that sentence and thought, “What else is there to know?”

22.    You belittle your spouse in front of other people.

23.    You refuse to give your spouse a second chance. You hold every single indiscretion against him for eternity, no matter how many times he’s said, “I’m sorry” and no matter how successfully he’s changed his behavior.

24.    When you fight with your spouse, you try to get other people around you—your kids, your friends, your parents—to take sides.

25.    If your spouse asks you for a favor, you say, “No” because you don’t think he deserves one.

26.    You only practice random acts of kindness with strangers. You don’t do it for your spouse.

27.    When you see your spouse struggling with exhaustion, depression, anxiety and other issues, you do nothing.

28.    When something is bothering you and your spouse asks you about it, you shut down, even though you know this bothers your spouse.

29.    You can’t bring yourself to say, “I’m sorry” even though you know you were wrong.

30.    You can’t bring yourself to say, “You’re forgiven,” even though your spouse has said he’s sorry.

31.    You’ve told your spouse so many lies that you need to write them down in order to keep track of them.

32.    You are living a secret life that your spouse does not know about.

33.    You make fights with your spouse about “who is right” rather than about “how can we fix this.”

Q: My spouse sits on the couch and watches me cleaning like a cave girl high on Windex. Does he move? I wish I could hook him up to a battery charger. I just want a clean nice home, you know, one where I can open the door to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and my mother in law. I am searching for a formula that will work. There must be one. Am I fighting a losing battle? Should I surrender to the mess? — Seething Windex Wife

Dear Seething Windex Wife:

I hope it’s somewhat comforting to know that what you are going through is very common. Nearly all of the married women I know struggle with the same problem. “My husband is a hopeless slob” ranks pretty high on most women’s complaint lists, with “he can’t get his lazy ass out of bed to deal with the kids” and “he communicates his desire to have sex with me by rubbing his boner on my thigh” running a close second and third.

And there’s hope. I once had the same experience as you. I’d spend hours scrubbing my husband’s pee off toilet seats and removing his dirty underwear from the hallway floor. He’d occasionally look up from whatever was on TV and say things like, “Thanks for cleaning the house, honey,” assuming he noticed at all. Now, he unloads the washer, runs the vacuum, and picks up our daughter’s toys without being asked. And when he sees me cleaning, it’s an automatic trigger for him to get his butt off the couch and help.

Here’s what I suggest.

1. Try to see things through his eyes. He probably doesn’t see or care about the mess. Asking him to care about a clean house is similar to him asking you to care about the color and height of the grass in your yard. Women notice dust and fingerprints. Men notice crabgrass and yellow spots. It’s just one of those weird genetic differences between the sexes.

Most women are taught how to clean from a young age, too. My mother, for instance, had a dust rag in my hands by age 10, and she supervised my work. I also happened to work as a hotel maid one summer between my junior and senior years in high school.

My husband? His mother did everything in that house, and no one lifted a finger to help her. He did not work as a hotel maid, or any other job that would have taught him how to clean fast and effectively. I once showed him how to make hospital corners when making the bed. He stared at me as if I were from Mars, wondering why the heck anyone would care about making perfect corners in a set of sheets.

Cleaning makes many men-especially those who have not been taught how to do it-feel inadequate. It’s similar to how we women feel when we have to dispose of a rodent caught in a glue trap. Sure, we can do it, but we’ll avoid that poor critter for as long as it takes, in the hopes that our lovely husbands will take care of it first.

I’m not saying that you should just accept his slovenly lazy ways. I’m only saying that, if you learn how to understand it and see it from his perspective, it might help lower your anger a notch, so you can address the problem more civilly.

2. Understand the Law of Household Entropy. All houses naturally fall into a state of chaos over time. You simply cannot keep a house clean and orderly every moment of every day, especially if you have children or pets.

Because of the Law of Household Entropy, you must be willing to come to a compromise with your spouse. How much chaos are you willing to have? Do you want your entire house clean once a week, with it gradually falling into a state of complete disarray by week’s end? Or would you rather always have one room that is clean and presentable (that you clean up daily), and others that you let go most of the time (cleaning only in the moments just before the mother in law visits)? What types of household chaos bug you the most? Perhaps you are okay with dust but you really can’t stand having mold in your toilet. Once you understand what bugs you most, you’ll more easily be able to ask your husband for the help you need.

3. Think about why you value a clean house, and go beyond jokes about Jehovahs. How does a disorderly house make you feel? How does it affect your mood, energy, and sexual health? Being able to put this into words will help your husband to understand your point of view.

4. Hold an intervention. Sit down when you are calm (probably not while or just before cleaning). Talk about how a clean orderly house makes you feel: happy, stress free, calm, like having sex. Explain how you feel when you clean it up while he watches TV: unloved, taken advantage of, exhausted, angry.  You might say, “I don’t like feeling taken advantage of. I don’t like feeling this way about you. I really want us to have a good relationship, and I really want to feel calm and stress free in my house. Can you help me with this?”

Then, get solution focused. Maybe he takes on some chores and you do others. Maybe you clean together. Be creative. Whatever you do, make sure your solution is specific. Remember: he’s blind to the mess. He needs an instruction manual, as in, “I would like you to pick up everything on the floor-including your empty beer cans, socks and banana peels-every night before you start watching TV.” Leave no room for misinterpretation.

5. Whenever you notice him cleaning, reward him. Hug him. Say, “Thank You.” Jump his bones. Make him want to clean again.

Tips for Training Really Stubborn Men

So, let’s say you do all of that and your man resists. Let’s say he claims, as my husband did initially, that he already does plenty of housework.

Hold a contest. Create a big chart and list all of the indoor and outdoor chores. Over a month’s time, check off which chores you complete and how long it takes to complete them. At the end of the month, compare results. I did this with my husband and it really blew him away. He truly thought he’d been doing more than he really was doing.

Here’s another excuse that might pop up. He might accuse you of being too uptight. For instance, he’ll whine, “I work hard. When I come home I just want to relax. What’s wrong with relaxing? Why do you have to always be working?”

This is when you tell him that you want to relax, too, and you just can’t when your house is messy. Ask him to help you come up with a compromise that will make both of you happy and relaxed. Maybe, for instance, the two of you clean the house while you are dressed up as a French Chamber Maid. Then, once the house is clean, the good lazy boy gets a nice reward.

Just saying. It might get you a really clean house. In fact, your husband might want to clean the house every night.

Do you have advice for Seething Windex Wife? Leave a comment.

This morning, I woke up before my husband, looked in the fridge and found only three eggs. I eat eggs for breakfast nearly every morning. So does my husband. This was a problem.

I did something that surprised even myself. I made myself a frozen waffle and a smoothie. Later, my husband, who was having a very difficult time getting out of bed, asked, “Are there any eggs?” I said, “There were only three eggs left, so I didn’t eat any. I saved them for you. You know I love you now.”

He smiled and said, “I do.”

Now, let me be honest here. Not long ago, I would have eaten all three eggs, and I would have done it while I thought, “If he got his lazy sorry ass out of bed on time, then he would have beat me to the eggs. You snooze. You lose.”

It made me realize that there are 9 distinct stages of marital disharmony. In these stages, I’m using eggs as an example, but it might be chocolate or English muffins or something else that you and your spouse both love and also tend to run out of before it’s time for the next grocery store run. Note: I’ve written these stages from the female point of view, because, after all, I’m a female. For the most part, you could insert “he” for “she” and “she” for “he,” except in a few somewhat obvious places where you just can’t.

Stage 1: Dating

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You drive to the store to get more, so you can make you and your special love interest omelets. You want to prove to him that you have special kitchen skills because you are hoping that, one day, he might want to marry you because of your special kitchen skills.

Stage 2: Serious dating

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You stare at them for a while. You think about eating them. You don’t. You leave them all for that special guy who is sleeping upstairs, because any day now he might get a notion to pop the question. You don’t want to do anything to dissuade him from that notion. See? Aren’t you marriage material? You leave the last three eggs for him! Who wouldn’t marry a woman who does that?

Stage 3: You just got home from the honeymoon

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You sigh. You wake up your husband and explain the egg situation. He says, “Oh, honey, why don’t you eat them? I’ll just have a slice of toast.” He’s under the misguided impression that he’ll get morning sex for this gesture. He may or may not be disappointed, depending on how many weeks have passed since the honeymoon.

Stage 4: The honeymoon is definitely over

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You split them with your spouse, but you are not happy about it. You stare longingly at his eggs the entire time he’s eating, thinking that any moment now he’ll turn back into that man who once gave you his eggs. You pledge to never have sex with him again, no matter how excessively horny you might become.

Stage 5: The honeymoon is so over that you can’t even remember why you ever wanted to travel with him in the first place

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You eat all of them nearly raw. You weren’t even planning on having eggs this day, mind you. You eat them so he can’t have them, because he doesn’t deserve them.

Stage 6: Marital therapy

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You throw them at your husband.

Stage 7: Martial therapy just might be working

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You eat them, but you feel guilty about it.

Stage 8: Wow, marital therapy actually worked!

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You make something else for breakfast.

Stage 9: You have achieved the much talked about but rarely experienced state known as “Marital Enlightenment”

You wake up. You realize you only have three eggs. You make something else for breakfast. You make the eggs for your spouse.

Note: I have not reached stage 9. I’ve only heard about it. When I again walked into the bedroom this morning (yes, he was still in bed), my husband asked, “Are you almost done making my ham and eggs?”

I said, “I don’t love you that much. Get over it.”

Until very recently, my husband and I didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Occasionally, I’d say, “Happy Valentine’s Day” in much the same way I’d wish him a happy birthday. We rarely, however, went out to eat. He stopped buying me flowers years ago.

Until this year, we didn’t do these things for two reasons. One: we’re both practical people, and practical people don’t spend twice as much on flowers on Valentine’s Day just because everyone else does the same thing.

Two: until somewhat recently, I didn’t enjoy my husband’s company very much. Valentine’s Day was just a cruel reminder that I’d married the wrong person.

Now I no longer feel as if I’ve married the wrong person. My husband is right for me in every way. I love him more than ever. For the first time in years, I find myself wanting to celebrate this great day of love of ours. Here’s my new complication: money. We’re on the tightest budget imaginable.

So, as we’ve done in year’s past, we won’t go out to eat. He won’t buy me flowers. We will, however, celebrate Valentine’s Day with what I’m going to call Free Acts of Loving. Who needs flowers when there are back rubs to be had? Who needs dinner at a restaurant when there is wine to sip in bed? Who needs chocolate when there’s sex?

Who needs a store bought card when there’s Haiku? In my Win a Wii contest, I challenged all of you to write Haiku, which is three lines of poetry that do not rhyme. The first line contains 5 syllables, the second 7, and the third three. For my husband, I’ve written the following 5 stanza Valentine’s Haiku. (Note: we will be judging the contest next week. Stay tuned.)

Ode to Mr. Strong and Silent

I wake up sleepy.
I bitch and complain a lot.
You bring me latte.

I have a hard day.
I stare at the wall and cry.
You bring me wine.

My pants are too tight.
I ask you if I look fat.
You say I am beautiful.

I think bugs are gross.
You kill bugs and rodents.
I thank God for that.

I make you bacon.
I tolerate your mother.
You know I love you.

Note: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED. THE WINNERS WILL BE ANNOUNCED SOON. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION.

I want all of you to feel as happy as I do. That’s why, for the next two weeks, I’m running a Win a Wii Promotion at Project Happily Ever After. To win a Wii, a $100 gift certificate to Om Aroma, or a pair of really cool earrings from Esculon, read on.

All you need to do is amass the most points by the end of the day (midnight) Friday Feb. 13th. The person with the most points wins.

Here’s how you can earn points:

20 points: Write a paragraph about why all of your friends should check out www.projecthappilyeverafter.com. Send your email to 10 friends, including a link to the site in your email. You MUST copy Alisa Bowman at alisa@projecthappilyeverafter.com on this email in order to receive your points.

Please note: SPAM or other unsolicited emails will not be tolerated during this promotion.  Please make sure that the persons to whom you are sending this email have given you permission to email them.  If it is discovered that you have sent unsolicited emails in furtherance of this promotion, you will forfeit all of your points and shall be disqualified from the promotion.

20 points: Subscribe by email to the ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com blog. Use the Subscribe by Email box in the right column. Make sure to activate your subscription when you get the confirmation email from Feedblitz. Note: If you are already subscribed by email, there is no need to subscribe twice. These points will be counted.

50 points: Write a blog post on your own blog about Alisa Bowman or about the ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com blog, linking back to the ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com blog at least twice. You MUST email the link to your blog post to Alisa Bowman at alisa@projecthappilyeverafter.com in order to receive your points.

25-100 points: Win the Project Happily Ever After Haiku contest. Write Haiku (three lines of poetry that do not rhyme) about marriage, relationships or sex. Submit your Haiku in the comments area here (found at the bottom of the page). Haiku will be judged by a panel of three judges. First place will be awarded 100 points, second place 50 points, and third place 25 points.

Note: Please use the same email address for all of the points gathering strategies to ensure all of your points get counted.

Prize Descriptions

First Prize:

Nintendo Wii video game system

Quite simply, this is the coolest gaming system on the market. You can create your own characters, play life like games such as bowling and tennis, and according to my friend Julie at Cool Mom Guide, lose some serious weight with this system. From the Nintendo site:

Retail price: $279.49

Runner Up Prizes:

Esculon Golden Dotty Earrings: Designed by my good friend Alexandra Mihaescu, everything at Esculon makes you feel as if you are wearing the expensive one-of-a-kind bling you see on celebs, but it all comes with an affordable price tag. From her site: “Wild gold-filled wire and a touch of pink make up these perfectly fun stud earrings. The pink is a cultured, dyed pearl. The studs measure .5″ in diameter.”
Retail price: $35.00

Om Aroma Gift Certificate: Founded by Angela Jia Kim, everything from Om Aroma is made with pure, organic ingredients. This chemical and preservative free line of creams, lotions and more has won gold medals at the 2008 Beauty Olympics. Everything in this line is made in the US.

Retail value: $100